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Whenever somebody says they’re a foodie, I always ask them if they would eat people. And they always say they wouldn’t. What shit bullery. Why wouldn’t you eat people? It’s one of the most abundant foods in the world and you’re just going to pass it up like chinamen? I thought you were serious about this food thing, man.

What? Do you think President Obama– a notorious foodie– didn’t sit down for his first meal at the White House, look up from the White House Menu, and not request from the White House waiter “I want to try the people”?

“People?” The chef grips the white linen cloth laid upon the magnificent oak table President George Washington himself once ate at. “But people? The people are the ones who put you in office, my leader.”

“Yes,” President of the United States Barack Hussein Obama says. “And now I will put the people who put me in office into my stomach. I want people and mashed potatoes.” A limber and presidental arm is placed upon the chef’s shoulder. An impassioned, presidential look is exchanged.

“Of course, Mr. President,” the White House chef says.

“Now go,” the first black man to ever be President of the United States said, “Please hurry. And– Preston?– It’s Preston, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Mr. President.”

White meat.”

“Of course, Mr. President.”

Whew. I almost went eight years without writing about our President eating people. Almost missed an opportunity to make jokes about whoever the current President is. Heh. That one was for me.

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