Bears

This happened in 2016. This was when the state penitentiary was still at Saddleback Mountain.

That’s the first line I have for this story. It’s thriller about how the bears re-take California for themselves. I’m going to give you a story about english-speaking bears taking over our country’s gayest state. And if you don’t think California is our gayest state please ask yourself how we weren’t the first to legalize marijuana. We weren’t even the second state. Or the third. We haven’t even done it yet. That’s what being gay is all about.

California legalized marijuana in November, actually. If starter-caps with pot plants on them were votes, however, we would have legalized marijuana back in November, 1999. None of this has to do with California being the gayest state but it’s still statistically correct and, therefore, worth your time reading. And, by my understanding of math, I’m making a pretty solid correlation here. Whatever that means. Jesus Christ.

I know Americans have the motivation to head down to the local drive-in or pirate bay and see a movie about english-speaking bears taking over the country, starting with California. People will pay big. Maybe not in California or at the pirate bay, but everywhere else for sure. Such a terrific idea.

When I say that people will pay big to see my big fucked up talking-bear indie horror film, I mean it. I’m not going to threaten you into finding out where the local drive-in theater is so you can see my big fucked up talking-bear indie horror film. No. Because I’m not going be the one holding the gun– Arturo’s the gun guy. You haven’t met Arturo yet but he’s the guy who’s going to hold the gun, like I said before. That should be enough motivation. Fantastic motivation.

That’s not to say all the bears will speak english in my movie because the spanish bears will speak spanish because they are spanish. That’s not the point of any of this, though. That isn’t the point of anything. I’m not getting anywhere here, actually. It’s probably just the horse pills talking. Still, can we all just take a moment and laud my genius?

Is this just going to be bears or other creatures that have “bear” attached to their names? Cases in point: koala bears, panda bears, and water bears. I didn’t do any research on this but I’m pretty sure koala bears aren’t actually bears just like how killer whales aren’t actually muslim. And I guess panda bears are bears but water bears are  just bacteria. Okay, so I googled water bears but I didn’t google koalas or pandas because I’m selectively lazy like every good millennial. This is phenomenal stuff, by the way. Best writing I’ve done in a minute.

I’ve worked on example dialogue to sell my pitch to the studio-execs at Sony (this too, is phenomenal stuff):

Henry: Jesus Christ, did you see the bathroom?

Jeff: No, I didn’t.

Jesus Christ: He was talking to me, Jeffrey, my son.

Jeff: Well what was in the bathroom, Jesus?

Jesus Christ: Small-scale tiling.

Henry: Oh Christ.

Jesus Christ: I know, my son.

Actually, after looking into this on google it seems that a book has been previously written about bears taking over human real-estate– “The Bears’ Famous Invasion of Sicily” by Dino Buzzati in 1945. But it’s been a while since that was in the public spotlight, right? I can call it “The Bears’ Famous Invasion of Orange County” or something like that. Maybe “Top Gun 2” if that still isn’t a thing.

Imagine that discovery moment. You know, the part in the movie where Henry– our audience surrogate character– finally realizes that bears really are on a murder spree.

Valerie: We have to get out of here. Now.

Henry: Calm down and tell us–

Valerie: I’m just so glad I locked the door because…because…

Henry: Because bears can’t open a locked door?

Valerie: SEE? Even you believe it. You KNOW it, Henry. It was bears. The bears have already raised their flag, Henry.

Henry: You mean..?

Valerie: Yes. Their bear on our state flag was only the beginning.

Henry: Oh Christ.

Jesus Christ: Yes, my son?

Maybe the story will take place on April 1st so all of the characters can repeatedly ask if this is some sort of April Fool’s joke. That’d make a great running gag, I bet. The only running gag I can think of better than this was the time my ex-girlfriend just up and bolted during the most wicked blowjob ever. Seriously, she didn’t stop sucking till she was halfway out the driveway. I don’t exactly know why she had to leave so quickly but I’m glad she still followed through on the blowjob part. What a guy.

Obviously the bears can’t drive because that would be ridiculous. We’re trying to keep this project grounded, you guys. But they have an army. And guns. Bears are frightening on their own– but with guns? At least its not spiders; those things have eight arms. Think of how many guns they could carry.

I don’t want to shoot this like some sort of “found footage” film, either. What a cop-out. Even ISIS doesn’t film their executions like that. Why would any self-respecting film-maker do something even ISIS wouldn’t do? Exactly. That’s why America did another Ghostbusters movie. Even ISIS wouldn’t do that to freedom.

What else, what else, what else? Oh, yes: The ending. The end of this movie is going to be epic. We end everything with the bears actually winning  California. I like it when the bears win and I think audiences will too. It’s funny. Who would have thought, you know? The bears actually winning? I mean, come on. Jesus Christ. That’s another things, too. This whole “Jesus Christ” thing. We’re going to make him cool again. Real cool, real funny sorta Jesus Christ, you know? People already love Christ. People will if they don’t already. That’s a promise.

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